Safe.. #livefreethursday

Just so you know, I am not in the above whitewater rafting picture.  Nor are my friends.  I got it off google images and it’s from a website oars.com I think.  If I was in that picture, it would look different. I would not be smiling. 

I am a wanna be adventurer.  I may have mentioned that before.  I like to travel the world and all, but the teacups kiddie ride at Disney world about did me in. Let’s NOT talk about the time I rode the kiddie rollercoaster at SixFlags  and had a come apart (and I was not a kid).

I have tried to like this whole white water rafting thing.  Really I have.  But the two times I did it, I didn’t love it.  ONE BIT.  I blame it on the fact that once, while going tubing as a child– the water ended up being much more swift than we expected.  My tire tube got stuck in a whirlpool of sorts.  I could not get out of it. It was pulling me under and my clothes off.  I was not into the whole tubing  skinnydipping drowning thing.

So… when I went rafting, they told us to plant our legs/feet in between the space in the raft made by seat and side of raft.  
I took that seriously.
I was so stuck to that raft, me and the raft were one.  There was no way I wanted to be thrown out of that raft, my life boat.  I did not trust my life jacket to hold me, and I sure didn’t want the whole whirlpool experience again.

I think I still have a permanent indention of the raft in my leg.

I am typically not a fearful person.  But this summer, when I went to serve in post-earthquake Nepal, I realized something that did make me VERY afraid.  Earthquakes. 
We had about 5-8 aftershocks a day while I was in Nepal.  Granted they were nothing compared to the two devastating big ones , but they felt like something to me.
The biggest one, which had an epicenter very close to us, found me on  our 3rd story balcony.  The ground started rolling and  there was such a sense of loss of control.  I hit my knees and almost had to remind myself not to jump off the balcony– because that seemed safest at the time.  I had to remind myself to  simply be still .

Nighttime created fear also as the earth shook most every night.  In those nights it was hard to sleep.  It felt so out of control.  And God began to whisper to me in those nights. 

He reminded me of Psalms 91, that really only in the shadow of His wings am I safe.  That He is in control and I do not have to be. 

And He began to reveal things to me that I am afraid of but I ignore because I think I can control them. I think I can create my own safe place, but creating stable “walls” of performance and being super Jenn.
He showed me I am afraid of rejection and failure and I run to all kinds of things to make me feel safe.

Things I  can control.  Or so I think.
I can perform well enough or not risk enough, or love well enough, or say  the right things enough that I don’t have to face these fears.  I can be safe.
But the truth is , that sense of control is not my safe place.  And I realized that as the earth began to shake.

Christ.  Is. My . Safe. Place.  (or should be)  My foundation of security is hung on nails on His cross.   <—- click to tweet 

Psalms 62:6 He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken”

Glory.  
He is my SAFE place.